God has been stirring things up in my heart lately, revealing holes and soft spots in my faith and belief that he is good and truly worthy of my most supreme affection above all others in this life. He really is worthy of my greatest love and devotion, even above some of his most precious and good gifts to me. Sometimes I can make a good gift that God gives me into an idol; and though I might not say it quite so bluntly, I become consumed and obsessed with that gift, requiring it for my happiness and joy and contentment.
For example, my family and friends around me. How much of my contentment hinges on them? When I can visit "home" next, or how much time I can spend with them, or how we'll spend a holiday, or how many hours away I live from them, or how often my children see them. These are not sinful concerns and desires; but if I let them, they subtly eat away at my contentment, tricking me into thinking life will be really great if I could just live a few hours closer to my mom or Chris' parents or a brother or sister. Wouldn't it be amazing if my boys could grow up near their cousins? (Is that too much to ask?) Wouldn't it be perfect if we could easily all be together for Christmas? How wonderful would it be if my boys could see their grandparents every week?
I'm thinking all these thoughts and asking all of these questions, because, once again, our not-too-distant future is unknown to us. Chris is graduating in May - an event which represents years full of goodness and graciousness from God to us. So, with the end of this chapter in our lives, we're anticipating starting a new chapter; and Chris is searching for a job, which quite possibly will move us to yet another new city, state, home. Where will it be? Will it be further from everybody? How often will we see our families? How easy will it be to visit? Sometimes my initial reaction to possibly living much farther away from people that are most important to me is pretty near-sighted and down-right void of the reality of Christ in my life - the reality that HE is the only true source of contentment and joy in life.
God is being kind and patient with me. He's been using his Word in my life daily to put my thoughts into a Jesus-centered, Jesus-consuming perspective. This is a gift from him, for there have been months in the last few years where I wouldn't crack open a Bible all week. If I admitted it, I never read God's Word, hardly prayed and so was aimlessly trying to teach my children to love God with all of their hearts, souls and minds. It's humbling to admit that, but I have a feeling that I'm not the only one with that confession.
He's also using two books written by gifted believers to challenge and change my way of thinking, bolstering my contentment in and love for Jesus:
I cannot recommend these books enough. I am having a hard time summarizing how they have been helpful to me, so I think I'll post some excerpts in a separate post (soon). Here's a short excerpt from Contentment that well-represents what God is teaching me.
Contentment does not lie around the next corner. It is not waiting for us on the next side of today's difficulty, nor is it lost with yesterday. Contentment is where God is, and God is with us today.
9 comments:
Katie, Your thought provoking post is right on. Remember this - you are at a very emotional part of your life. Keep God in your life and the ups and downs won't be as great. We can be content even when we don't see anyone or talk to anyone when God is in our hearts. Slights and disappointments are not as great when you have God with you. I wish you God's peace and I know you will be fine. I am sending you a big Hug over the net. Joyce
I am on this same journey! Your post actually clarified some thoughts and musings of my own. I am actually almost in tears thinking of how I could've written this if I could've put the words together this well. God has been showing me similar "holes and soft spots" in my faith as well. Thanks for sharing.
Joyce - Thanks for your kind words and your "hug." You encourage me, and I love you! I will tell my mom to give you a REAL hug when she sees you.
Karis - Honestly, I have thought of you and your family a few times over the last few days as I've wrestled with being truly willing to go "anywhere." (I have at least 5 other friends with little kids who are across the world, following Jesus.) I am sure you wrestle with really trusting God and being content in Him while you're so far from your family; but you encourage me to really let God have his way with my life - wherever that takes me. I admire you and praise God for the surrender and trust in Christ that you and Dan (and your families) display. :)
good post- encouraging
Katie, thank you for this post--it was just what I needed to read today. :)
And by the way, I haven't commented in a long time, but just wanted to say a belated "congrats" on your new little one on the way!
Oh, Katie, how I needed to read this post today! Thanks for your candor. I can completely identify with thoughts like "I'd be completely happy if I could live closer to my family..." "What I really want is to have..."
I've been thinking a lot lately about Paul's words about contentment. They baffle me! My head knows it's possible, but my wicked heart cannot fathom how to be completely satisfied in Christ.
I think I need to read that book. And spend some more time in the Word.
Ditto the other comments. I needed this reminder today. Thanks for being so transparent in your walk. I think I'm going to have to look up those books. And we will be praying for you guys as you seek God's will for the future. Know the feeling. :)
Love you!
Shannon
Katie- Thanks for commenting on by blog- b/c I'm so glad I came over and read this! I too battle with contentment and have many of the same thoughts- if this. I love your last quote!! So true. I am going to check out the books you recommended. I would recommend - The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment. It's a puritan one but I haven't found it to be that hard of a read and I have been really challenged and encouraged by it- I'm reading it right now. Blessings to you, Kellie
Hmm - I definitely know and feel the thoughts you expressed. I will be praying for you guys as God leads you into the future.
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